Today was my first Peanut Butter Day in a long time! What’s a Peanut Butter Day? Well, a Peanut Butter Day is what happens when it something silly or small makes you feel like everything is crashing down around you. To be fair, you have probably never heard this term (since I made it up) but once I explain it, almost everyone will know exactly the feeling I am describing. I also want to be clear, Peanut Butter Days have absolutely nothing to do with peanut butter (unless it’s what sets you off this time).
In my experience, military spouses tend to let ourselves be lulled into a false sense of security. This literally applies to ANY period of seperation, whether it’s a week in the field, a few months in training, a six month deployment or the dreaded year-long deployment. We start to feel like we have it all together; that we may actually have the hang of this parenting/adulting/surviving without our partner around. We psyche ourselves up, we prepare, we pray, we plan, we stockpile… we do everything that we can think of to get ourselves ready, to get ahead before our man (or woman) goes away.
When I tried to explain to someone how I could go from totally fine to sitting on the floor with snot and tears running down my face into the empty jar of peanut butter in my lap while I sobbed and missed my husband, I found that the best way to illustrate something that not everyone deals with was by using something that everyone does deal with- peanut butter.
Those left at home are sad and lonely and scattered for a few days, then you start to get into a routine. You gain confidence and start to think that this time is going to go so much more smoothly than the last time. Then it happens… you run out of peanut butter! Seems innocent, right? Most days it would be, you could encounter the same situation a thousand other times and handle it just fine, but for some reason today you don’t. You pull out the jar of peanut butter to make yourself a sandwich, but gasp the jar is empty. You just went grocery shopping today, plus ran fifteen other errands. You are exhausted and grumpy, at this point your obviously hungry too, you reach for your phone… and it all seems to hit you. You have NO ONE to call and ask to pick up peanut butter on their way home. Cue the floor-sitting and weeping… basically, you have a Peanut Butter Day.
My Peanut Butter Day? Today was rough. It started with D waking up at 6 AM… then T didn’t want to go to the gym, so we battled to get his clothes changed. After about a hour of screaming and crying I made it out to the van with all the BatBoys. Then all hell broke loose. T’s tablet had 2% battery, but the cord in the car wouldn’t charge it, then neither S’s or T’s tablets would connect to my phone’s hotspot. I was late (and already getting angry and frustrated) so I said we would figure it out later and closed (read as slammed) the van door. That was met with immediate shrieks from T which scared the crap out of D and made him start to cry and scream. Oh and during this same time S realizes that he doesn’t have Skye and we cannot find her ANYWHERE. I even employed the blind ninja in the house, even Pop Pop couldn’t find her and he can find anything. Now everyone is crying and screaming and begging and yelling… and I just completely lost it. I sent S and T into the house with Pop Pop and talked to Nana Mama and then a sweet friend for a while. I cried so hard I threw up, nothing like feeling like you have failed your kids by losing your mind in front of them to make you miss your husband. I desperately love Q, but I honestly doubt today would have been any different if he had been home for it. But that didn’t matter, I knew that I wanted him home, I wanted a hug, I wanted him to make me feel better and I wanted it right that second. After an hour or so of crying and talking I finally calmed down and the rest of the day went pretty well! Except for when I accidently put a hot pad in the oven when it got stuck to the bottom of a pan… and didn’t realize until the biscuits were almost finished cooking… this is why we can’t have nice things! Otherwise… nope- today kinda sucked.
Tomorrow is a new day, but I will STILL have no idea what I am doing,